ANXIETY

Anxiety is something that evidently runs in my family. My grandmother suffers from severe depression and anxiety, especially when it comes to driving and her loved ones. My mother suffers from some anxieties but won’t ever show it. I just recently got diagnosed with severe anxiety and social anxiety and now attend therapy and take medication for it. Anxiety is something I have witnessed for a while, but it wasn’t something I took note of until my younger sister was diagnosed with separation anxiety at eight years old. 

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At the time, I was ten and had never experienced mental illness until that point in my life. It had been a tough year for us; losing our grandfather then having our only aunt be diagnosed with breast cancer took a toll on both of our young minds. I coped by closing off entirely and my sister coped by growing a strong attachment to my mother. Don’t get me wrong, I was really close with my mom as well, considering that our father lived in Kentucky for most of our childhood, but my sister refused to be separated from my mom. She couldn’t spend more than five minutes away from her. Honestly, I just thought that she was just being immature. I didn’t know what anxiety was so I figured that she was being overdramatic. Over time, though, it got worse. My sister would have breakdowns if my mom went to the store alone or if my mom left our dance studio while we were in class. I would actually get annoyed with her, thinking why couldn’t she just grow up like me.

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Looking back now, there is one specific instance that made me realize how serious anxiety is, how it was more than just my sister missing my mother. My mom and her friends went on an annual girls’ trip. It was just a small weekend getaway and it was never too big of a deal. That was until my sister developed anxiety. We didn’t know how this would work, as my sister couldn’t spend more than a few minutes away from my mom. My dad and grandmother were staying with my sister and I, so we thought that would help. My mom was getting ready to leave for the weekend, only going a couple of hours north to some small cabin in the middle of the woods with her friends. I knew that she would be safe, so I wasn’t too concerned, though I would miss her. My sister was a different story. I could hear her sobbing to my mom in the kitchen while I was in my bedroom. I thought it was just one of her dramatics, per usual. My sister’s pleas echoed through our small ranch; I swear our neighbors could have heard her loud gasps for air as tears steadily streamed down her face. My mom kept reassuring her that she would be fine, that she would be home soon enough. I walked to the kitchen since it was about time for my mom to leave. Something was different this time, though. My sister clung to my mom, refusing to let go. Her breaths were getting shorter and shorter, her sobs growing louder to drown out my mother’s words. When my mom let go of her, my sister grabbed her own forearm and scratched down it repeatedly to the point where I thought she was going to draw blood. My grandmother and I watched on the side in silence as my mom grabbed my sister’s hands, stilling her and saying, “Don’t you ever do that again. Don’t you hurt yourself like that again.” It was my first time witnessing a panic attack and it wasn’t going to be the last time either.

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My sister went to multiple therapists, but she didn’t benefit from therapy because they assumed that her anxiety could be cured with a coloring book. She did eventually outgrow her separation anxiety but still has generalized anxiety as well as ADHD. As her anxiety got better, mine began to develop. It started as some social anxiety, constantly worrying about how others view me and being too anxious to interact with people that I didn’t know well, then developed into an anxiety that I couldn’t handle. I had at least one panic attack a week during quarantine and felt the weight of the world on my shoulders. I couldn’t handle it anymore and reached out to a therapist, who teaches me new ways to channel my thoughts and anxiety.

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People get nervous all the time. It is associated with fear and that’s a natural human emotion. Anxiety and nervousness are very different things. It’s normal to get nervous before a big test, but having a panic attack where you feel like you’re going to die is something that is so different. People on social media like to talk about how anxious they are after drinking coffee or how they are having a panic attack about two celebrities interacting, but that’s not anxiety. It’s almost as if they use this vocabulary to seem relatable or to show excitement, but this wording should not be shared.